The day has come.

After weeks of thinking after having a year full of new experiences, I decided that it was time to assume my negation and get out of it. I knew it, I felt it, and I needed it: I started to search for a way to have my vaginoplasty.

Despite publishing my decision back in december, the search for alternatives started before the social unrest. In fact, I searched for all the ways to do this in the public healthcare system, but there’s no surgeons available. And then, the aftermath of the unrest left me out of focus for a while. But, in January I got an appointment, I went there, and took the decision of doing it. I started to watch videos, and I also thought about schedule and financial options.

But, which factors led me to decide? Once I met them, it was very easy to be honest. I’ll try to explain them in the most detailed way possible, as I never discussed them before. I have to remember that every transition is different, that my own experiences are personal, and that you shouldn’t make any generalizations based on this; but if you identify with what I’ll narrate maybe you should take this same way.

Reason 1: Because of the aesthetics.

Is it clear enough? I mean, it’s obvious. We all think about it. If you have thought about surgery at least once is because you want to stop worrying about the plummet you carry between your legs. We want to go back to the beach in a cute bikini, want to swim again, want the fitted clothes and small underwear. And yes, you can have it without having the surgery; but the wave of worries you carry on when doing it is not fun, and wishing to get it off you is valid. I think that a neovagina can help with it, and it will give me what I search for: freedom. And for an anxious person like me, that freedom is worth every penny.

Reason 2: Because of the dysphoria.

There was a reason why I felt empty in my last relationship, which never stopped. There’s a reason why I’m not as sexually active as I’d like to. One. Just one: dysphoria. Why? Penetrative sex.

This is simple: Since I started my transition, and even when I have felt that my genitals have shrinken a bit, having the genitals from a non-gestant person has made my intimate experiences (and even dancing… tightly? idk) close to fetichism.

If a stranger dances with me and “feels” me, the person sticks there. And yeah, I’ll go with the flow… but I don’t want that really.

If a stranger wants to have sex with me, always somehow the person wants to… “use” my genitals. But I don’t like it, and I don’t want that really.

It’s awkward. It pisses me off. It provokes me repulsion. I don’t feel it my own. I don’t want it.

So. the dysphoria goes on, and on, and on, and on. And I don’t want it anymore.

Reason 3: Because everything will fit

What do I look for, then, in a vaginoplasty? Because I know I’ll never have the same “standards” that a cis person has. But it will certainly help me to see my body and feel that I have what I should… one way or another. To look myself at the mirror and feel plenty will be a full-body sensation, from inside out and from outside in.

I’ve heard this from most of the trans girls who documented their surgeries in YouTube, and that’s precisely the sensation I pretend to feel about my body. That’s why I believe it’ll be successful, as I’ll share that feeling.

Razón 4: Because of my sexuality

When you get a weight off you, when you finally feel that your whole body is yours, when you also give her time and space to heal, when you see yourself and everything fits, what happens? What you expect: you set yourself free.

I have a lot of ideas I wanna do, and a compilation of daydreams ready to become a reality. And I can’t do it because of my anatomy. And yes, I’ve tried with men. And no, I believe it won’t be the same. And that’s my idea, because I’m so tight that sex feels painful all the time. I want to have the role I want in bed, being there with the people I want to be, and to feel that I’m everything that’s there, instead of giving a “it is what it is” each time I share my skin with others.

Razón 5: Because it marks an end

It’s already 5 years of feeling myself (apart from being) in a transition that doesn’t have an end. And of course, it won’t end. But I feel like it ends, and that’s what this surgery is for. There’s a lot of things that are coming to face my future (to live my Masters studies, afford an independent life, an exquisite couple life, and more surgeries for sure) but I feel important to fulfill “the basics”, what I always said I’d do. Probably after this another thing will come, that’s how I am; but for the purpose of feeling myself in harmony with my body the to-do list will be done.

Razón 6: Because of my future

My ultimate objective, and the one that supports much of my acts, is that I want to make my transness irrelevant with other people unless strictely necessary (because I know a neovagina has to have special care). I wanna stop feeling exposed, handle my privacy even more, to be able to decide who can know about my past and present, and I want to start another stage of my life.

To handle my anxiety I’ve done the exercise of seeing myself in 6, 12, 24 months. In every midterm visualization I’m done with the surgery, I have an adult expression, and a huge piece of confidence (which I don’t have today). I believe that to grow and boost my confidence is neccesary to know that self-love must be genuine, and I have to live this experience for that to happen.

This process will take months, and there are aspects that I still haven’t solved, but if you ask me, the decision is final. And I’ll live or die with it… after all, this is major surgery.

Let’s see how it goes for me.

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