At the time of writing, its been 12 hours since a new emotional collapse. The second in two weeks.
I don’t like to blame the planets, but the astrological transits have been so horrible I can’t explain. And because now my feelings in general are 3x stronger due to my relationship, I think this is a good moment to think about myself and my life.
I’ll keep it simple about what happened with me, since I don’t usually write here: My ID now shows my name, I’ve had to change a lot of documents and every register had to be rewritten. Also, I stopped working all day long, I started to play videogames again, I started a relationship and now I feel happy. At least, happier.
And now that I can handle my normal life again is that, I feel, many of the privileges I preserve come back. I can be a professional again, I can interact with policemen, among other things. In summary, I can now choose who I wanna let know that I am trans. And that’s a huge privilege. And, as I also have passing privilege, the thing is that I can live quite normally.
But, what happens when your self image was built based on this exclusion from society you were forced to live? Well, everything falls. And you have to reinvent yourself.
A few days ago my girlfriend was telling me exactly that, “you’re rewriting your life”. It’s true, I’m rewriting it and I’m not realizing it. And the moment when it’s happening is now. And I didn’t realize it. Entering in her world has meant a lot to me, and I see that now I have a chance to find myself with parts of me that were abandoned along the way.
So, now that I’m Sofía, legally speaking… What is what I am today, and what is what I can become?
After a lot of conversations (an emotional collapse made them necessary), I’ve could rescue some ideas:
- I’m a warrior. I could convert myself onto my own nature, I have a hacked body and my existence is plenty because of that. I suffered a lot, and I understood life in ways I could never know another way.
- I’m a being that shines with dark. All of my life experience has been from a constant melancholy, and that’s how I process my emotions. From melancholy, from sadness, from saudade. So, it’s normal for me to dress in black and love winter. It’s normal to struggle to look pale and having to swallow vitamin D. It’s normal and valid. If I’m gonna create, If I’m gonna open my creative wings and try to fly with them I have to know how I filter and process reality.
- I’m a good person. I’m aware that this requires validation, and that probably I’ve done bad things in my two lives. I’m not gonna deny it, it’s part of our nature. But this is also about something I decided when I started transitioning: I want to do good in everything I do. Every effort has a reward, and I feel that my reward is starting to come. Or maybe not, but I wanna feel it that way.
That’s why I decided to change a bit. And open my heart so more love can enter into it. And convert that love in cute stuff just like I know, and how no one will ever do.
And I hope to share it with you in the best way. :)Volver / Go Back